Barbara C Hoag.com

Mom and Dad came up about two weeks after David was born. We made arrangements for my Dad to bless David since Frank did not hold the Melchizedek Priesthood.

It was really something learning how to take care of a new born baby 24 hours a day. I had spent many hours babysitting but I was not really prepared to have soul responsibility for this new little life. Frank was very good at pitching in and helping when he could. But he was just as unprepared as I was. It was a relief when my Mom came. She had a calming influence and Dad kept me laughing.

They had never been to the Seattle area so we took them to the Space Needle and Pikes Market and to one our favorite steak and seafood restaurants. We rode to the top of the space needle and when we were coming down there was a really tall man in the elevator with us. I thought he looked like James Areness from the TV show “Gunsmoke.” I don’t know if it really was but he sure looked like him. Then when we went to dinner he was there again. So I always figured we had dinner with “Marshall Matt Dillon.”

Shortly after the first of the year I discovered I was expecting another baby. I was happy.

We were happy in our little home. We had good neighbors and I loved going to Church. Frank seemed to find excuses not to go. But I managed to get there. We still had two meetings on Sundays. Sunday School in the morning and Sacrament meeting in the afternoon. Then Relief Society  and Primary during the week. I usually had access to the truck during the day. Sometimes Kay would go with me to Relief Society.

I was asked to be the cub scout leader. Man I didn’t know anything about cub scouting. But I tried. David was just starting to walk and talk. Those little boys would come to my house and we would be doing something and David would come toddling in and jabber at me and I would answer him and those little boys would look at me like I was crazy.

“Can you understand what he is saying?”

“Of course, every word.”

That winter was mild I guess. I was used to snow in winter but we got mostly rain. As winter turned to spring the flowers bloomed. I loved Washington. Kay and I started planning our gardens.

As summer came I remember it as being a hot summer. Frank was still working for the Security company. He was getting into the habit of getting off work and then hanging out with his buddies instead of coming home. Then he would come home sometime in the afternoon and go to sleep. I would take David and go over to Kay’s until he was ready to get up and go to work.

A few times we went to a lake and went swimming. We would have cook outs with David and Kay. Sometimes we would play cards and other games in the evening.

Kay had found a dairy farm that sold raw milk and farm eggs and cheese. One day around the 11th of September we went to pick up some milk and I was not feeling so good. Soon after we got home I realized I was in Labor, Kay took David and Frank and I headed to the hospital. Pattie was born soon after we got to the hospital. We had a beautiful new little girl. We named her Patricia Ann.

I remember Kay brought me some fresh tomatoes while I was in the hospital. Then she bottled all my tomatoes for me.

Life at home was a little strained for a time but Frank did get a job working days at a company the manufactured Garage Doors. It was very nice to get back into a more normal family life. He spent more time at home and was more of a help with the kids. We were able to do more stuff together.

We went to the boat races on Lake Washington with Kay and Dave. We had cook outs together and played hearts in the evenings. Frank continued to work weekends for the Security Company so of course he couldn’t get home in time to go to Church.

I resigned myself that he might never embrace the gospel the way I wanted him to. We continued on this way. We got back to laughing together. We spent time with some of the friends Frank had made. I felt like we were beginning to be a real family.

One day Frank took David with him to run errands. They made the rounds of Franks buddies. David by this time had grown quite a head of long curly blond hair. He looked so cute. When Frank came home Davids hair was cut short above his ears. All the curls were gone. I said “Why did you do that?” He said, “All my buddies were teasing me for having such a cute little girl. I had a girl. I needed David to be the boy.”

Kay introduced me to one of the Northwests great bounties. Blackberries. We went in search of wild blackberries. I made blackberry pie and blackberry jam. I still love blackberry jam when I can find it.

One Sunday morning in late July Frank came home from work and said he was going with one of his friends on a four wheel drive rally. That story is for the next post.

Life changes a great deal once you have a baby. Some of the sisters in our Ward gave me a baby shower and gave us many lovely baby things. I really loved being a Mother. David was a sweet little boy. Of course that was 40 years ago and I don’t remember a lot of the hard stuff.

It was winter and they don’t usually get snow mostly rain. This was a mild winter. But it did get cold. We soon learned that you had to order heating oil for the furnace and it was a shock when we were told it would cost $400 dollars to fill up our tank. Taking care of a home is more of a responsibility than I ever knew. We managed to get the funds and had enough oil to provide heat.

As spring started coming and the weather started to warm up the flowers began to bloom. We had some beautiful flowering bushes in front of our porch. I really began to love Washington.

I don’t remember exactly but sometime this year of 1970 my Brother Douglas who was in Viet Nam came home. He had a lay over in the Seattle Airport. Frank and I, bringing along baby David went to the airport and spent some time with him as he waited for his flight back to Utah. This was before all the security you could walk right up to the boarding areas and wait for incoming or outgoing flights. Since Frank has spent time in Viet Nam they had common things they could talk about.

One day I decided to go for a walk. I bundled up David and we set out. I was just carrying him in my arms. I didn’t have a stroller or buggy. I didn’t have a baby carrier. I just thought I could walk and carry him in my arms.

We were doing fine and then I realized I had gone quite a ways and I was getting tired and I had a long way to get back home. I had been on a sidewalk that was going in a downhill direction and now I had to go back up hill.

We started back and I was getting tired. There was no place to sit down and rest. I just pressed on. Suddenly I stumbled and down I went. Somehow I managed to save David from hitting the cement too hard. I don’t know how we managed to not scrap ourselves up. I gathered David up and just sat there on the sidewalk and gathered myself together. A police car drove by, he kind of slowed down a little bit but I guess he thought we were OK and he didn’t stop. I wished he had stopped and offered to take us home.

We made our way home and I was very happy to be back home. I never tried that again.

Some things that were changing in the way of baby stuff. Disposable diapers were just starting to come on the market. The first ones I tried were paper with plastic backing. They didn’t contain very well and you had to still put plastic diaper covers over them. They didn’t have those wonderful tab holders, you had to still use diaper pins. It was hard to get them through the material and sometimes they would pull out and tear. A few years later when they started putting adhesive tabs on the diapers, you had to make sure when you placed them where you wanted them because you could not take them off again. They would tear the diaper and you would have to throw it away. I was very happy to see the evolution of the disposable baby diaper. I mostly used cloth diapers for David and Pattie. But that was just what had to be done. Part of being a parent.

Settling in with a new baby and rambunctious 18 month old boy was quite a challenge. Frank was working his security job at night and not coming home until afternoon just to sleep and then eat and go to work. I was pretty much on my own. My neighbor Kay was an enormous help. She would come over and take David over to her house so Pattie and I could get some sleep. Or I would take the kids over to Kay’s house. Kay and I would spend almost all day together. We would do crafts and since it was fall we canned fruit.

Franks parents and his sister came from Montana for Thanksgiving. We had a nice visit and they had a chance to see their new granddaughter and get acquainted with David.

As winter set in the rains began and then it started to snow. The Seattle area doesn’t get a lot of snow. So it would snow, warm up a little bit, then freeze. This creates ice. Also the Seattle area does not have  a lot of snow removal equipment. Some business, schools and even Churches would cancel or close. Kay and I would bundle up the kids and we would trek up and down the street. We built snowmen and played in the snow with the kids. We lived up on a small hill and if the road was frozen Frank and Kay’s husband would have to park his truck at the bottom of the hill and walk home.

Kay would go to Relief Society work meeting with me and her daughter would go to church with us sometimes. Kay and her husband taught me how to play hearts. The three of us would play hearts in the evening and laugh and talk. We looked forward to the Book Mobile so we could get books to read to the kids and something for us.

One Sunday I was asked if I would teach a class in Primary. When I told Frank he got very angry. He pushed me up against the wall and yelled at me. I told him it would only be for a couple of hours on day a week in the afternoon. He was still angry, he had never talked to me like that. He wanted to know who would get his dinner. I told him I would prepare his dinner before I left. He was still angry and told me I could not do it.

He had never been physical and angry with me. I was so frightened I decided to go back to Utah. I was ready to end it. I called my parents and made plans to fly home. By the I was ready to go Frank had calmed down and drove us to the airport. The trip was horrible. Pattie cried and threw up almost the whole time. Of course she finally fell asleep about thirty minutes out of Salt Lake. My parents met me and I think we may have stayed overnight with my sister Kathryn in Salt Lake. Then we headed for Cedar City.

A few days later my Home Teacher called and wanted to know what we needed to do to get our family back together. I told him we hardly saw each other. Frank worked all night and stayed out most of the day with his buddies. He did not go to Church with us and made no attempt to live the commitments he had made when he was baptized. I was trying to reconcile that he hadn’t grown up with any strong religious training. But when he would not support me, that was not acceptable. He called back a few days later and said Frank had agreed to get a day job and spend more time at home. My Home Teacher encouraged me to come home and so did my parents. I had been prepared to leave the marriage but my Parents encouraged me to go home and do my best to make our marriage work. So like the dutiful daughter I went home. I think I was in Cedar City two or three weeks.

The flight home was a little better but Frank was not at the gate to meet us. I was struggling to make my way to the baggage claim area when a Travelers Aid lady came to my rescue. As we were making our way to baggage claim, Frank found us. I guess we had miss communicated and he was angry at me again. Welcome home.

Febuary 27, 1970 started as an ordinary day, Frank went to work for his early morning shift. I had to go Visiting Teaching in the afternoon. My partner came and picked me up. We made our visits and I noticed that it was harder getting in and out of the car that day. My back started to hurt a little bit. She took me home and I lay down.

Frank came home from work. We had made plans to meet with some friends that evening to go to dinner. I was not feeling like I could go out. Frank canceled going out but he invited them to our house and he went and got hamburgers and shakes. I was hungry. I really hadn’t eaten much that day.

Our friends came and we visited and laughed. By this time my back was hurting a lot. I put a heating pad on it. They left and we went to bed.

I couldn’t sleep, I just felt restless. Frank said I had indigestion. Soon I started having contractions. They were coming pretty regularly. Frank called the Doctor and his service said to go to the hospital and they would check me out. My due date wasn’t for two weeks. We were not ready for a baby.

We got to the hospital and sure enough I was in labor. Things were getting serious. The hamburger  and shake I had earlier decided they wanted to come back to the light of day. New lesson if you think you might be in labor don’t eat.

This was really happening. I had wanted to be a Mother for years. It was about to happen. But first there was the pain. Finally they gave me the Saddle Block. This numbed everything below my waist.

Then in the early morning hours of February 28, 1970, a healthy baby boy was born. Twenty one inches long, eight pounds 14 ounces. The promise of a tall man. We named him David Francis Mack. The President of the Church David O McKay passed away just a couple of months before. I wanted to name him David after the man who had been President of the Church for most of my life that I could remember.

Later when I moved to Provo we found that there were many boys born that year named David. At one point there were four Davids in our ward, two of them lived on our street, one next door and the other across the street.

We had our baby two weeks early and life would never be the same.

Sunday was warm and sunny that July day in 1972. Frank had worked all night at his security job and he came home and changed and set out again to go to a four wheel drive rally with his buddies. He took the truck so I did not have any transportation of my own.

I called my home teacher and asked if he could pick up me and the kids so that we could go to Sunday School meeting. My neighbor came over and she said her daughter wanted to go to Church with us. So she went home to get her ready. I was sitting in the living room so that I could see the street. A car pulled up into the driveway and my Bishop got out of the car along with another man. I went out to the driveway to meet them, he introduced this other man as a County Coroner and he was a member of our Church. The fact that he was a coroner never fazed me. But that he was a member of our Church. Then right there in the driveway the Bishop told me there had been an accident and that Frank had been killed. Just like that. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Frank was dead. Just then my home teacher pulled up. The Bishop went down to his car and told him and he left. Then the Bishop said he had to get back to the Ward and start Sunday School he told me he would send his wife to be with me.

I didn’t know what to do. My neighbor came over with her daughter and I told her what had happened. She gathered up David and Pattie and took them to her house. I was all alone. I just sat there. What was I supposed to do? What was the protocol? How was I supposed to act? Then the Bishop’s wife came.

“What can I do for you?”

“I don’t know”.

“I guess we should call Frank’s parents in Gardner, Montana. ”

I found the phone number. She tried to dial it. She couldn’t get it right. I didn’t want to talk to them but she couldn’t get it right. I took over the call. It rang through. No caller ID in those days. You just answered the phone. Frank’s Mom answered. I don’t remember what I said but I somehow got out that Frank had been killed in an automobile accident. She started to scream. Frank’s Dad came on the line.

“What happened?”

I tried to tell him what I knew but I realized that I didn’t know hardly any details. Just that he had been killed.

Well that was over. I called my parents. My Dad said he would call me back. I sat there, now what do I do? I felt like my life had just been put on hold. We sat around and looked at each other. My kids were gone. I didn’t know what to do. The bishops wife was nice but I didn’t know her very well. I kind of expected a lot of church members to come by after Sunday School. But no one came. My home teacher came back and my visiting teaching partner. I didn’t cry, I was numb.

I thought “I need to make arrangements for a funeral. How do I do that?” I was 26 years old. What do I know about these things.? Finally my Dad called back and said they were on their way. It was a long drive from Cedar City, Utah to Marysville, Washington. Frank’s Dad called back and asked when I wanted them to come. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know what they could do. Looking back I think I was not very nice and considerate to them and their feelings. They had just lost their only son. My heart felt cold as steel.

Somehow I made it through the day. It was getting to be bed time so I sent everyone away.

“ I’m all right. I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about me.”

I went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep. Then the dogs. One of the dogs in the neighborhood was in heat. We had a big black lab that was tied up in the back. I did not like that dog. I do not like dogs very much and this dog did not make it any easier. All around the house there was barking. That’s all I could hear, Barking, Barking, Barking. I could not get to sleep. Finally I called the police.

“Could they do anything about the dogs? ”

“No”

I guess I must have slept some, it is hard to say.

Next morning one of the Relief Society presidency came over. The President was out of town. This sister was about my age she knew just about as much about arranging a funeral as I did.

“What can I do for you?”

“I don’t know”

She took me down to the Social Security office, she said I should apply for survivor benefits. They looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t  know that it could have waited.

Trying to remember the whole chain of events is hard, some things stand out and some are lost. I don’t know that it is so important to have everything in perfect order only that the events are as true as possible.

I think my parents arrived later that day on Monday. They had driven all night. They stopped in Salt Lake at my sister Kathryn’s house and her husband Jim came with Mom and Dad. Jim was an accountant and he offered to come and help me with my financial affairs. That night I slept. I think just having my parents there was such a relief.

Somehow we made the arrangements for the funeral. Frank’s injuries were mostly to his head. The truck had rolled and even though he had his seat belt on they had taken the roof off the top and as the truck rolled, his head had been crushed. The funeral director told me that it would be better if I did not see his body. We should have a closed casket. We made arrangements to have Frank buried in Willamette National Cemetery, a military cemetery near Portland, Oregon. The VFW would provide a military tribute. Frank had served in Vietnam and had been wounded. I thought maybe his parents would like him close to them but his Dad said no the cemetery in Gardner was just rock pile. He was happy with the one in Oregon.

We arranged for the funeral to be on Friday and the burial to be on Saturday because the drive to Portland was several hours away. There was no viewing so we just showed up at the church for the funeral. I had asked someone to sing “Oh My Father” and the Bishop talked and someone else I don’t remember. When I walked into the church it was the first time I had seen the casket. It was draped in a flag. Frank’s Mother wept the whole time. I was kind of annoyed with her. I think I have many things to seek their forgiveness for when I meet them again on the other side. Maybe they can see the whole picture now and have forgiven me.

After the funeral, I thought something is missing. No one really talked about Frank. I didn’t realize that I needed to make that clear. Or I needed to assign that to someone. I think most of the problem was that we had only been married exactly three years when he died. We had only lived in our house in Marysville two years. We didn’t know very many people and the church members in our ward did not know Frank because he did not come to church. Most of them knew me but not him. There was no one to speak for him. I should have asked his parents or his sister if they wanted to say something but I didn’t.

After the funeral the Relief Society provided a lunch for us but his parents would not come. I thought this was something everyone did. That’s what I had grown up with. His parents were not familiar with Mormon culture. I think they were uncomfortable. I was not very sensitive to their feelings.

One of Franks friends asked me if I wanted them to take care of the dog for a few days I told them they could have it. I didn’t want the stupid thing.

The next day was Saturday and we all made our way to Portland to the cemetery. I talked to Dad about the lack of mention of Frank and his life at the funeral. He said that he would say something at the graveside. The mortician had arranged for the local VFW to do a military tribute. They had an honor guard and played a record of taps and folded up the flag and gave it to me. So surreal. I was numb.

We went back to Marysville and then what. My brother-in-law, Jim had gone through our finances and did what he could to help; then he went home. Dad took him to the airport in Seattle.

One morning I think my Dad was in the shower and my little 3 year old David came running into my room. All excited.

“Frank home?” “Frank home?”

“No honey Franks not home, he is not coming home.”

David did not understand. I guess I didn’t realize he even missed him. Pattie was only 10 months old. She would never remember her Dad. David today says that he thinks he has some memories of his Dad, but they are very fleeting.

I had nothing to keep me in Washington. Although I really loved our little house and I had made friends with a couple that lived just behind us. Our kids were about the same age and I spent a lot of time with them when Frank was away in the evenings. But my home was in Cedar City, Utah. I wanted to go back to Utah and get my life back on track. I felt disconnected from the Church. Frank would not come with me to meetings and he was not supportive when I had been asked to teach primary. I felt that I needed to be back in an environment I was used to. I was the wild child ready to come home and beg for a place at my parents table.

The Ward organized a crew to come and load up my belongings in a U-Haul trailer that Me and Dad would drive back to Utah. Mother took David and Pattie back on the plane. My neighbors David and Kay took me and their kids and David to Seattle to the Zoo. We left Mom and Dad with Pattie and  with the help of the ward they packed up my house. When we got back that evening the house was bare. It really hit me. My life would forever be altered.  There was no turning back.

We took Mom to the airport and Dad and I headed for Utah. We soon realized that the trailer we were haling was not loaded very well and we had a hard time going over 50 miles an hour. It took us two and a half days to get to Salt Lake. We drove day and night. When they packed they had not left out any clean clothes for me. We stopped at Kathryn’s house and I was able to have a shower and Kathy washed my clothes for me. I was glad to see my kids again. Then we all headed to Cedar City another good 4 hour drive because the trailer would sway and pull at the car.

Finally we arrived and a new life began. I had left behind the first home I had as a married woman. I had left behind a husband. My parents made me leave behind my beautiful cat that Frank and I had as a kitten that we brought from Gardner when we first traveled to Washington. “Clean sweep” my Mother said. I felt I was obligated to bow to their council. It took me quite awhile to find my own voice again. But for now I was grateful to them for their kindness and willingness to take me in along with my kids. I think about that time of my life and I shake my head and wonder what was I thinking. I was young. I guess I did the best I could.

Soon after we were married, Frank got a job offer from Boeing Aircraft to start work the first part of September 1969. They would send a mover to help us move. We started to make our plans. We didn’t have much to move but it was fun the have someone else move it for us.

Finally the big day came. I left my little red Volkswagen with Frank’s Dad. It needed new tires and they were hard to find in Montana. Frank had a station wagon so we loaded it up. Frank’s Mom gave us a kitten from one of her cats. We said our good byes and headed across country to Everett, Washington. I had never been to Washington and I was really looking forward to this new adventure. I think we just drove and did not stop over night. I remember when we started across Washington it was very hot. Our little kitten was getting too warm. We kind of panicked. I really don’t think we needed too.

We arrived in Everett and found a motel to stay in for a few days while we looked for an apartment or a house to rent. I can’t remember how long it took to find a place. I remember going to a real estate office and asking if they had any rentals. The man we talked to said they didn’t do that but he had some properties of his own and he would rent us a house. So we found a little house. It was a two story place. It was heated with an oil furnace. There was a gas stove in the kitchen. I had very little experience with a gas stove. My Dad worked for the electric power company. We only had electricity in our house. So it was a challenge to learn to control  gas plates. I soon learned and it turned out to be not hard at all. I kind of liked it. Learning to manage my own home was interesting. I never had full responsibility for a home before. We didn’t have much furniture and we didn’t bring a bed with us. The house had a bed upstairs an attic like room. The stair way was very narrow and steep. But we used it and it was kind of fun.

One night we went to see the movie ‘Planet of the Apes’. Frank got up early to go to work and I was alone in the house. I dreamed that the Apes were coming up the stairs to get me. I woke up in a panic. I was also getting kind of big with my pregnancy and it was getting harder to go up and down those stairs. We moved the bed down to the bedroom on the first floor.

We did a lot of exploring around the Seattle area. We went to Pikes Market and the Space Needle. We took the ferry over to Whitby Island. We tried a lot of the local restaurants. We found the Ward house and got introduced to our local Ward. I was called to work in the Primary and was assigned a visiting teaching partner.

Frank had a way of making friends where ever he was. He started making a circle of friends. I have always had a hard time making close friends. My acquaintances always seem to revolve around the church. That’s OK I guess but when you move or your ward is changed those friends kind of seem to move on.

Christmas was coming. Our first Christmas together. No family around. Too far to go to Montana  and way to far to go to Cedar City. Should we just stay home in our little house in Everett or go somewhere else. We started to talk about going to Canada. Vancouver was just across the boarder. It is a large city and we thought that would be kind of fun to spend Christmas in Canada.

We headed out December 23 to Vancouver. We found a motel to stay in for a couple of days and looked forward to exploring the city. On the 24th we started to drive around and found a park that had a bunch of Totem Poles. They were really cool. We took pictures and while we were there we met another couple that were there to spend their Christmas together. He worked in Alaska and she worked in a different state. We talked to them and hung out with them for a few hours.

It was getting to be evening and we started to look for a place to eat. We found a club of some kind. They served just a little bit of food, mostly appetizers and finger food. They had a small floor show. We really enjoyed the show and then headed back to our room.

Next morning was Christmas Day. We were late getting up and the hotel breakfast was closed. Not to worry we thought, we will just find something to eat in town. No, there was not a place to eat. Everything was closed. We went back to the park and met our friends from the day before. They were looking for something to eat also. There is a ski resort close to Vancouver. We took the lift up to the lodge and there we found a little sandwich shop and got something to eat. I was still hungry.  We went back to our hotel hoping that tomorrow would be better.

December 26th was warm and sunny. We headed to the down town area. Everything was still closed. I was so hungry. We didn’t know that in Canada they celebrate Boxing Day. We wandered around looking in shop windows and wishing we could find something to eat. Finally around noon shops began to open. We found a deli and ordered a french dip sandwich. It was the best french dip sandwich I have ever had. The beef was lean and on the rare side. The bread was french and crusty on the outside and soft and tender in the middle. It was soooo good. Maybe I was just really hungry. They had a lemon meringue pie sitting on the counter and we wanted a piece but they would not cut it because it was “too fresh.” Oh well we looked in some of the stores and I wanted to find something that was very Canadian. But I could not find anything that I wanted. Frank bought a hat that looked like a Russian Cossack hat.

We went back to the hotel, checked out and headed back to Everett. Christmas was over it had been kind of a bust in some ways but in other ways we had a very good time and enjoyed being together. Frank was pretty adaptable and he had a good sense of humor and could almost always make me laugh.